| Author: | Harry Harrison |
| Copyright: | 1965 |
| Date Reviewed: | 12/13/85 |
| Rating: | 8.5 |
Synopsis: Bill is minding his own business on is home planet Phigerinadon II, content in his studies to be a Technical Fertilizer Operator, when he hears a marching band go by. The band leader, a one man band robot invites Bill to a drink, and before he can properly protest, he is forcibly enlisted and shipped off to bootcamp Camp Leon Trotsky. Here he learns that the empire has been fighting a war with the Chingers these past few centuries. Bill is told that Chingers are 7 foot tall reptiles that attacked the Empire but in reality they are seven inches tall and were attacked BY the empire. Humans just love to make war. Bill learns many good lessons at boot camp, like never to talk out of line and never to volunteer for anything.
Before training can be finished, the entire camp, services, cooks, drill sergeants and all, are shipped to the front line. This is an emergency. Bill is sent aboard the "Fanny Hill" and given the job of Fusetender 6th class, unskilled. A Fusetender's job is to replace burned out 90 pound fuses. Rigorous training is involved - about 15 minutes. Bill's only friend aboard the "Fanny Hill" is Eager Beager, who in boot camp liked to stay in the latrine and polish everybody's boots. But it turns out that Eager is really a robot that's manned by a Chinger spy. The spy escapes just before being captured, after Bill rats on him to the ship's chaplain (who is also the laundry officer).
The fun comes when the "Fanny Hill" is sent into battle. Fuses are popping left and right and when the circuits overload after a direct hit, they all go, killing everyone in the hold. Bill barely escapes but his right arm is blown off. He staggers to the weapons room and just before passing out, shoots the enemy ship. When he comes to he has been given a new left arm. Unfortunately the doctor made a slight mistake and sewed on a right arm. Bill can now shake hands with himself. But at least he is a hero.
As a hero of the empire, Bill is sent to Helior, the capitol planet, to receive a medal from the Emperor himself. Helior is one large city. There is no place on the planet that doesn't have a building sitting on top of it. Just off the shuttle, Bill is given a floor plan of the planet - a foot think. Using this and a robot dog, Bill and two companions, who are also to receive awards, make it to the ceremony just barely in time. The ceremony is taped. There are many lords and officials ready to greet the heroes but really they are just actors playing a part. The Emperor makes his grand entrance and Bill, hick that he still is, slobbers all over him. Only after the director says "Print It" does Bill realize that the Emperor too is an actor.
With a three day pass still left, Bill goes out to explore the city. At the Hanging Gardens, he falls asleep and wakes to find that his floor plan is missing (and he's been chained to the park bench). He gets free and tries to report the theft but is told that the penalty for loosing a floor plan is immediate death.
After eight grueling days Bill finally makes it back to the base and finds that the records show that 1st class fusetender Bill shipped out 8 days ago so he must be an imposter. And of course, the penalty for impersonating an officer... Bill barely escapes this one and in the lowest levels of Helior becomes one of the deplanned men, who live off of what ever food they can steal out of the tubes.
However his fellow deplanners are caught and just as Bill sinks to the lowest level - the dirt under Helior - he meets the head of the Department of Sanitation and is brought in to the R&D section. They are looking for a few good men - no matter what kind of trouble they are in. His job is to find ways of disposing of the plastic trays of 150 billion people. At one time these were being transmitted to a nearby star but the influx of matter caused that star to go nova. Bill's solution is to mail stacks of 50 trays to random people in the galaxy. Bill works in peace for the D of S for a year and for the first time since joining the service is happy. During this time he's also contracted into spying on a group dedicated to overthrowing the empire. When the revolution comes, he helps thwart it and is rewarded by being turned over to the service.
Bill is to be tried for desertion but a crafty lawyer gets the crime reduced to sleeping on duty, for which Bill must serve one year at a Venerian base. Here the empire is trying to take over the planet with a small 100 square kilometer foot hold. There are many casualties. Bill's job is to help build a road over the swamp, which is dismantled every night by the Venians who are sympathetic to the Chingers. When his building party is overrun, Bill escapes into the jungle and meets up again with Eager Beager. While Bill is talking to him, Eager is eaten by a large snake. There is no way to be paroled from Veneria and those not seriously wounded are fixed up and put to work again. However there is currently a shortage of legs so Bill blows one of his off. Eventually Bill becomes a recruiter and recruits his own brother just as he was. For every recruit he brings in, he reduces by one month his own enlistment term.
Review: I enjoyed "Bill the Galactic Hero" more that most of the science fiction comedies that I read these past two years. The novel is quite obviously a parody of "Starship Troopers" by Robert A. Heinlein. All the honor of that book - the enlistment, the war buddies, the armor suits, is turned around into something horrible. There was no lack of plot here, it moved briskly from one impossible situation to the next. This should be clear by the detail I gave it. I particularly liked the training and battle scenes of Book I, since this was so much like "Starship Troopers" (and for that matter "The Forever War" by Joe Haldeman; although that book came much later). The rest of the book was a little bit of a let down only because it went off on such an odd tangent. It might have been interesting if Bill stayed in the service and rose through the ranks. Interestingly enough, the mode of travel from one star system to another is one I used to think about. The ship is made incredible large from the stern out. When the bow reaches the destination, the ship shrinks to normal size again. With this and his "Stainless Steel Rat" series, Harry Harrison has a real way with funny science fictions.